I retired from trick-or-treating almost five years ago, and I’m ready to make my big comeback, this Halloween. Why do I want to make a comeback after 5 years of laying low? It’s simple: I want candy. More specifically, I want FREE candy. King sized chocolate bars and bags of sour children (Sour Patch Kids) both cost money that I’m not willing to spend. Halloween is the scariest season, and I’m ready to be the most frightening thing of all: a 19-year-old trick-or-treater.
To give you some background, I’ve been trick-or-treating since I was two months old. For my first Halloween, I was a small bundle of McDonald’s french fries. Even at such a young age, my parents knew I was destined to be a sack of potatoes. They were also spot on for dressing me up as french fries because I can get very salty in some of my posts.
A low-quality pic, but a high-quality costume.
After my first Halloween, I trick-or-treated until I was a freshman in high school. Some may think that was way too old to be going out for candy, but I made it work. I blended in with the really little kids and acted like I was escorting them to a house. Then, I would sneakily grab some candy when the adults gushed over how cute the little ones were. In other words, I was straight up ballin’.
Looking back at the free candy days make me want to come out of retirement to make this Halloween the best ever. I’m talking about wearing a costume with a mask, so people can’t tell my age, and sprinting from house to house, like I’m in the Olympics, to get as much candy as humanly possible. I feel an adrenalin rush already just by thinking about the possibilities.
Will I actually go trick-or-treating this year? Probably not. I have more important things to worry about, I guess. School is pretty important, so I should focus on that. However, if there are any parents out there that don’t want to deal with their kids on Halloween, I will escort your children for a low price of $100 an hour. I’ll take them to only the finest neighborhoods, so we can all get the big candy bars.
(Gif courtesy of giphy.com and header photo courtesy of nwkidsmagazine.com)
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