“Alriiiiight Georgia basketball fans, we’re losing to Kentucky by 20 points halfway through the first quarter, and we need a way to please the fans who actually paid real money to watch this disaster. You know what that means… it’s time for a t-shirt toss to make everyone’s crippling depression vanish for a hot sec!”
What else is a sports announcer supposed to do in this situation? Give the players time to channel their inner Troy Bolton to get their heads in the game? That’s nonsense. Announcers know there’s no time for players to sing their feelings in real life.
Real quick, let’s give it up for Troy for putting on a performance in front of hundreds of people and playing basketball at the same time. I can’t sing OR hold a basketball, so that goes to show how talented he is.
Anyway, stadium announcers always know how to rescue a game that makes donators question their decision to support a team. They simply bring out the t-shirt cannon.
There’s nothing quite like watching people lose their ever-loving minds over the possibility of getting a free t-shirt that probably costs $1 to make.
Sadly, I’ve never been a recipient of a free t-shirt from a cannon. I feel like I’m always in the wrong place at the wrong time. This feeling reminds me of when I go to Sam’s Club and they start to roll away the free sample carts when I get there too late. It’s tragic.
T-shirt cannons hold so much power over people. They can make a middle-aged man who refuses to get up and cheer for some 20-year-old kids trying their hardest to balance sports, school, life, and oh I don’t know, maybe their mental health, jump to his feet in hopes of getting something that he can give to his grandkid for free.
Watching older people go nuts is fun, but it’s even more fun to watch students fight for these shirts.
College students have no fear. They will look the person with the cannon dead in the eyes and communicate with them telepathically that they need that t-shirt to survive.
It’s sad, but true.
Giving away free t-shirts is sports marketing at its finest. Plus, blasting a t-shirt into a crowd that’s hungry for scraps of fabric makes for some fine entertainment.
When I become President of the United States in 15 years, I will make it my duty to supply t-shirt cannons to every neighborhood, so that we can all come together and fight for the right to get a free t-shirt. I can’t wait to make future kids read about this in their history textbooks.
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